The Summer of Pretty

I'm wearing dresses again.

I think I stopped wearing them when I became a mom because I was always messy or chaotically on the go. I didn't have anything to dress up for on a regular basis and even when I did, I substituted pants with ballet slippers.

I think it was also because I'd gained weight. It started with leftover baby weight from pregnancies and continued with late night "treats" after babies were in bed. Somewhere during the transformation of my body, I let go of dressing up and feeling fancy.

But lately I've been working on loving my body. I must be making some progress because I bought a dress. It flatters my shape and swings around my knees. I love it!

Then on vacation, when we were thrifting our way through Des Moines, Iowa, I found dress after dress in those tucked away aisles.

How was I finding so many things that fit me perfectly when I'd struggled for years to find anything?! Then it hit me, it wasn't the clothes that had changed.

And now I'm living the summer of pretty, with a closet full of dresses!

The Deadly Trap of Assumptions

We all make assumptions, it's human nature to connect things and want them to make sense. When something doesn't make sense, we put our own spin on it and solve the puzzle through assumptions.

But our version of things isn't always the truth. And leaning only on our assumptions can lead to the end of relationships, jobs, or dreams.

I've been in situations where I was sure I knew what someone was thinking or what was meant by something they said. So I walked away with hurt feelings or an injured ego only to find out days later that my assumptions had been completely wrong.

It's easy to assume, it's human even. But it can lead us down roads of loss that could be avoided by one thing. One simple action solves the problem of assumptions:

Learn to ASK.

Simply asking a question to clarify the other person's actions can clear up all assumptions and give the person a chance to explain. It gives us a moment to connect and listen. It helps raise empathy between us by hearing each other's perspective.

All this, with a tiny, significant ask.

How You're Hurting Your Feelings

I grew up thinking I had the power to hurt someone else's feelings and I carried that belief into adulthood. I have always been a person to tries desperately not to step on anyone's toes and sometimes that's worked and other times it (obviously) hasn't. I think this belief happens naturally when adults tell you to be careful not to hurt your friend's feelings or Grandma's feelings. Or to mind your manners when you meet someone so you don't hurt their feelings.

I've been listening to a podcast called: The Life Coach School Podcast. And one of the recent ones I heard (episode 37) really challenged this idea.

The host, Brooke Castillo, talked about our ownership of our feelings. That we create feelings with the thoughts we think. Now, my first reaction when she said this was defensive. How could we create all our feelings? People do things to hurt us all the time!

But then she went on to explain that we, sometime in our life and often in childhood, attach a belief to something that happens to us. Maybe it's that when someone's mad at me, I'm unlikable. Or if I speak up for myself, I get consequences. Whatever those beliefs are, we carry them into our lives and live as if they are truths when they might not be. But we shape our actions around them. So when some circumstance triggers our thought, we automatically have those same feelings.

One of mine is feeling stupid. I have an emotional reaction if I ever feel like I've messed up or said something wrong. It's because my subconscious mind believes a thought automatically and it causes a reaction. That thought is, I'm stupid, and then I feel embarrassment and shame. But the same situation may happen to someone else and they won't feel stupid because they don't have that thought attached to that action.

Castillo says that we must learn to recognize the emotion and back track to the thought. Then sit with the emotion, sort through where it came from and deal with it. Only then can we move forward and begin to change our thoughts. If we change our thoughts, then we'll change our feelings. She claims that all of us are responsible for our own feelings! We must learn to direct our feelings through our thoughts.

I find this a bit mind-blowing; it might take me a while to get my head around.

The Anxiety Toolkit

I wrote quickly in my notes as the speaker explained symptoms of anxiety issues that are found in students. I remember listening to his list of symptoms thinking, but those are totally normal, everyone thinks like that! Then it hit me, do I have anxiety issues?

I drove home home feeling confused and told my family about my weird revelation. They chimed in that of course I have anxiety, they all knew that!

They knew that?! How did everyone know I had anxiety except me? I'm an introspective person, so it really bothered me that I'd been blinded to something so obvious to others. 

I'd always assumed my excessive worrying was a part of my analytical nature and possibly a side effect of mothering. But with my new awareness, I set off to learn how to better cope with my anxiety.

It wasn't long after that, I stumbled across The Anxiety Toolkit in a used bookstore. I snatched it up thinking it might give me a few solutions for my anxiety-ridden mind. It gave me more than a few solutions, the entire book was packed with insight! One of my favorite parts was the section on rumination.

Rumination

"Anxiety often leads to two types of overthinking: rumination (mentally replaying events that have happened, either in the recent or distant past) and worry (fear about what may happen in the future)."

People with anxiety tend to ruminate over past or current situations, conversations, decisions and end up in a loop spiraling downward. The author, Boyes, had a few tips for stopping this process.

1. Recognize when you're ruminating.

Ruminating can begin without us realizing we're doing it. Our thoughts go over each moment reviewing the events and questioning why we did certain actions. We're often critical of ourselves, nitpicking our choices. 

It can lead to demeaning accusations of ourselves such as: 

• Why am I so stupid? 
• Why didn't I just do this instead? 
• Why do I always do ____? 

But if we can recognize when we're starting down the path of rumination, we can stop ourselves from the dangerous pattern it creates. Instead of allowing ourselves to worry and focus on the bad that could/did happen, choose three ways to work towards a solution.

Shifting our mind towards three things to DO, can give us forward motion and keep us from being locked in our anxious thoughts. It actually re-directs the brain from one function to another. 

It gives us movement outside ourselves. Even if the only solution is taking a walk, or calling a friend; these steps will give us something to work towards. Movement will feel more empowering and give our thoughts a place to go.

2. Become aware of memory bias.

" . . . Don't trust your memory. You might be ruminating about something fictional or at least magnified." 

This has been a good but difficult lesson for me. I've had to learn not to make assumptions. If I feel that something is off, I need to ask the person about it instead of putting my own assumptions on them.

Letting go of trusting your own instincts can be difficult. I've had to recognize that sometimes my instincts are off because of my hyper-alert sensitivities. Sometimes my thoughts are tainted with a bias of expecting people not to like me, or that they'll be disappointed in me; so that is what I see.

Instead of assuming I'm right, I ask them to clarify. Are you upset with me? Did I disappoint you? Are you feeling I'm not a good fit for this?

It's a little more vulnerable to ask these questions, but I've found that often times my assumptions were wrong and speaking up helped restore the relationship.

Since ruminating is in the mind, it doesn't help the situation or bring a solution. 

If I interpret someone's actions as being angry at me, I might pull back and not engage as much. But stepping out of my head and asking a question gives us the opportunity to relate. We can clear the air, even if I imagined a problem where there wasn't one.

3. Accept that you often won't know why other people have acted in a particular way.

"Recognize that if someone acts strangely, there's a very high likelihood that the behavior has something to do with what's happening for that person, rather than being about you, and you're probably never going to know what the reason was. . ."

Determining what we do and do not have power over can help us let go of what is out of our control.

Trying to control people or situations doesn't usually work. The sooner we decide to let go, the easier it becomes to see what we CAN do. We have control over our own actions, relating, decisions and purpose. These should keep our thoughts busy enough.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is giving your mind a helpful focus instead of worry or rumination. It's a way to train your thoughts to go in another direction.

It doesn't have to be sitting yoga-style and chanting (although it can be) but it can be as easy as taking a few minutes to listen to your breath. It can be a mantra that calms you or builds you up, such as, "I accept myself as I am right now." It can be walking through the neighborhood and making sure to take notice of what your eye lands on.

For Me  - after realizing I had anxiety symptoms, I was able to look back over my life and recognize that I've always been an anxious person. I'm wary and careful. I'm vigilant to stay cautious and safe. 

Anxiety has its place and can be very helpful when it comes to surviving. Our forefathers had to stay alert and watch for danger to survive.

But staying alert to danger when there is no danger can lead to missing out on the beauty around us. I'm learning to balance the two and getting better at distinguishing when my anxiety is warranted and when I might be hyper-alert where there is no real danger.

Keeping thoughts centered on what I'm grateful for and what I can control is more productive. Calming myself with breathing techniques works when I sense myself spiraling towards panic.

How do you handle anxiety?

New Beginnings

New Beginnings I'm at a new phase in life and feel a little lost. My kids are leaving the nest and I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands. I look ahead and wonder what to do with my life. I have causes I want to support, and pursuits I've never pursued at the level I want to. There's so many things I want to do. I already have a part-time job I love, working as a receptionist at my son's high school, but I definitely want to focus on writing, creating, personal growth and physical health with the rest of my time.

Writing has always been a passion of mine, but in the past I've worked on it in waves instead of keeping a consistent practice. I've always dreamed of writing books and I want to take that dream seriously. I have a need to express myself.  So my focus will be to simply practice the art of writing/documenting, send off articles and build my writing skills.

Creating art comes in at a close second to writing. I love so many forms of creativity: painting, hand-lettering, singing, doodling, drawing, acting, coloring, knitting, dancing, stamping, chalking, playing, embroidering, and on. Practicing this one comes easy for me, I find it easier to do everyday because it's easier to start and stop. I want to focus on drawing and doodling; I'd also like to continue learning ukulele.

Personal growth is an obsession with me. My personality leans towards analyzing, so it easily transfers to my own behavior. I enjoy the puzzle of learning how to live better, react better, work better and any other kind of improvement. I feel a bit smothered if I don't have something to work towards. I want to continue pursuing that, sharing the tips and resources I find helpful.

Health is a hard one for me. Of course I want to be healthy, but this has always eluded me. I've held the wrong belief that I'm not a "health nut". Somewhere I started believing that if you were a healthy person then you weren't fun. I know that's totally ridiculous, but deep down I believed it and I've worked to change that wrong belief. Over the past year I've been alternating between eating vegetarian and/or vegan and I feel better. But I think I've been a bit of a junk-food vegan and I'm trying to eat more whole foods now. I'd also love to be in better shape, so I need to incorporate an exercise program that I can make a habit of my daily routine.

Sharing I'll be sharing my journey here and on social media to have accountablity. Sharing online helps me stay focused.

How do you handle transition? Have you ever wondered what to be when you grew up ~ even at middle age?

The 10X Rule

"Does anyone benefit when you can't get your art sold or that great book published or that great idea that will improve everything across?"

Let's talk about The 10X Rule. WOW, this book, oh my word! Grant Cardone kicked me right off my booty into action! I don't know if I've had any book jolt me so completely. I've had lots of books inspire me, encourage me, motivate me and lead me; but The 10X Rule literally got me off my chair.

If you feel stuck or like there is nothing you can do to change your situation then please read this book! Ten to one you will change your tune. This is not a feel good book. He minces no words; he tells it like it is TO YOUR FACE!

"One of the greatest turning points in my life occurred when I stopped casually waiting for success and instead started to approach it as a duty, obligation and responsibility." 

One of the things that impacted me the most about this book was how he showed that not pursuing success is unethical. I strive to be an ethical person so this hit me square in the face. He said, "I even suggest that failing to insist upon abundant amounts of success is somewhat unethical. To the degree that electing to do our personal best each and every day is ethical, then failing to do so is a violation of ethics." 

That woke me up and had me leaning forward in my chair. 

"Treating success as an option is one of the major reasons why more people don't create it for themselves-- and why most people don't even get close to living up to their full potential."

I'll be honest, I never looked at success as being necessary or even my duty. That may sound crazy to some of you but I have been seriously entrenched in the "maybe it'll happen" or "I'm fine without it" camp. I didn't understand the enourmous action that comes behind success. I feel like I've just woken from a dream into a reality where there is no room for excuses, blaming or victim mentality and only time for massive action!  I'll leave you with one last quote:

"If you don't consider it your duty to live up to your potential, then you simply won't."

Depriving Yourself ~ Emotional Eating

I've been viewing healthy people as deprived.

I know that sounds crazy but this realization hit me one morning. The thought flitted across my mind absently as I put on make-up and I grabbed it out of the flow. 

"What is this? Healthy people are deprived? Why do I think that?" 

These are the answers that came back to me as I pushed in: They are depriving themselves of sweets and fun. They starve themselves just to be thin; they endure pain just to have muscles. 

I stood there shocked. This is how I've seen it?! This is how I view healthy people? And I've assumed I'm not deprived because I can eat whatever I want and don't put myself through pain? (The craziness did not escape my notice) The truth came tumbling after.

I AM THE ONE WHO IS DEPRIVED!!! 

I am deprived of hiking without huffing; I'm deprived of intimacy because I feel self-conscious about my body; I am deprived of wearing cute clothes because nothing fits; I am deprived of swimming and feeling confident in a swimsuit. I am the one who is deprived of energy; of vibrant, hydrated skin; of a sexy body. I am deprived of all these things.

The only thing I'm not deprived of is eating sweets, fast food, and junk. 

I've equated the fun, happy parts of life with food and the unhappy parts with health. But couldn't I have fun with health? Could it be that giving up junk, would offer so much more?

I could be fit and healthy to help others. I could wear the clothes I love because I love them and not because they hide my belly. I could feel freer to exercise and dance and run and swim and play! I could feel empowered to do things I'm afraid to pursue.

I no longer want to chase something that's costing me so much. 

Bad habits are hard to change and I know it will literally be a moment by moment choice; but I want to change it. So I've put cards up all over my house and in my purse to help me fight temptation. 

If you struggle with me, if you've bought into a wrong perspective, or if you're fighting to overcome your issues on food and emotional eating; I hope this post encourages you.

I'll leave you with what my cards say:

Stop depriving yourself of a full life!

Are you, like me, depriving yourself?

One Morning Ritual Can Change the World

Coffee is one of my unnecessary necessities!

I'm an avid coffee drinker. I love the smell, the taste, the way it partners with breakfast and sweets. I wake up to one cup in the morning and sometimes a few more throughout the day. I loooove coffee!

Recently I was shocked to find out my coffee purchases might be hurting families across the globe who don't get fair wages for their hard work. (Don't worry, I'm NOT going to suggest you go without coffee; please keep reading!) The coffee companies in America have continued to receive a hefty profit for their goods as the coffee boom of the 90's continues. But unfortunately, coffee farmers are not seeing that profit. Instead, their profits have significantly dropped. 

What?

I know, it doesn't make sense. Unfortunately the big coffee companies are pocketing the money and keeping coffee farmers in poverty. Coffee growers are often locked into a contract by their government, so they can't just escape the struggle. Because of the lack of profit, they can't afford to send their children to school (it costs in other countries), they've gone hungry and had little to wear. Out of desperation to survive, they sometimes resort to growing drugs or traveling as illegal immigrants to other countries to find work and keep their families alive.

After reading and researching this topic, I found one simple thing I could do to help.

I can make certain the coffee I buy gives fair wages to farmers by looking for a "Fair Trade Certified" emblem on the products. Below is a photo of the symbol:

Make sure it's all three words because any marketing strategy can slap "fair trade" on their products. Simply choosing to buy fair trade coffee might not seem like much, but I suppose if we all insisted on fair wages, it would add up to something huge. From now on, my family will only buy Fair Trade Certified coffee. While I know it's a small action, I'd like to think we are changing the world one family at a time.

Will you join me? 

Let's help others by making sure they get paid fairly for their work! You can find fair trade certified coffee now in most grocery stores and at places like Target. But if your grocery store doesn't offer it, please request it! Grocery stores are always interested in what their consumers are buying and the higher the need the more we help! If all else fails, you can buy it online.

If you'd like to read more, here is a guide to buying ethical coffee.

Alternatives to Emotional Eating

I shared last week about my struggle with emotional eating (here) and have for the last few weeks been more intentional about noticing when I'm running to food for emotional reasons versus hunger.

I've made a commitment to take five minutes before running to food to ask myself, "What are you really hungering for right now?" 

It has been illuminating. Doing this has revealed that I tend to turn to food most often in the evening when everyone is home and we're all active or chatting or watching a show. I think it feels like the work day has ended and it's time for relaxation and that, to me, has included food. I find myself wanting to munch. Asking myself why, has helped me dig into what's going on inside my mind that's leading me down this path. The themes that continue to pop up are: feeling unproductive, feeling nervous/unsure, and celebrating.

To help myself deal with these emotions, I compiled a list of options. 

When I ask myself what I'm hungering for and it's not food, then I look at this list to see what connects with what I'm actually needing.

Here's the list:

Take a bath

Do yoga

Hike

Volunteer

Walk

Swim

Coffee with a friend

Write

Paint

Deep talk with a loved one

Create

Clean out

Family outing

Babysit

De-clutter

Call a friend

Laundry

Massage

Dance

Play ukulele

Sing

Sit outdoors with a book

Work outside

Pray

Meditate

Read

Listen to a podcast

Serve someone

Teach

Blog

Write a note

Go on a date with my husband

Movie

Listen to my favorite songs

Museum

Grocery shop (I hate this but it feels productive)

Walk dog

Learn something new

Take a meal to a sick or elderly friend

Go to a class or take an online course

Library

Coffee shop

Used bookstore

Barnes and Noble

Periscope

I only share this list to encourage those who are struggling through something similar. May it inspire you to make your own list. 

Your needs and wants could be very different than mine, so go with what feeds you. 

This list has saved me many moments when I couldn't think exactly WHAT I needed but knew I wasn't physically hungry. Connecting with something on the page, helps me deal with my emotions in the best way and stay away from eating mindlessly.

Do you have any other ideas for me? What would be at the top of your list?

Emotional Eating and Me

I'm a food pusher.

I didn't realize it until watching Stephanie Bryant's scope one day. She referred to her mom as a food pusher.  I felt hit in the heart. It struck a cord with me ~ I'm obsessed with food. I push it towards anyone around me but especially my family. So much so, my kids asked me if I was hungry as a kid because I seem so focused on their eating or having something with them to eat at all times. (For the record, I was never hungry as a kid) But somewhere along the way I put an importance on food that doesn't belong there.

So I've been keeping a journal of all the moments I want to eat that are not related to fueling my body but are attached to some emotion. I'm doing this as an experiment. I'm not judging myself or putting limits; just observing. I'm sitting back like an amused observer and watching what my subject does.

She's weird, my subject. (Yes, I'm talking in third person)

I've notice that I can be super determined as long as it's within a time limit. Like the time I fasted forty days on water, or the time I gave up sugar for two months, or the two times I did Whole 30. I shine when there's a time limit. But when the time is up, I settle back into familiar bad habits. I turn again to using food like a bad relationship. I let it comfort, entertain, and relax me.

Hilary Silver also did an amazing scope on emotional eating and she said something that broke me wide open:

When you turn to food, you damage relationships. 

Instead of turning to the ones who love you, you're turning to food. Food is not a person. Food cannot heal. I left that scope feeling a little teary. I don't want to be withholding relationship from real people!

These are my thoughts today. I'm writing them here so if someone else finds themselves face down in a pile of mashed potatoes or chocolate, they can watch my journey.

I'm hoping I can get to the point of overcoming this. I want to let food do what it was intended to do ~ fuel my body. I want to stop using it to meet my emotional needs. I need to stop. I don't want to damage the relationships around me.

I'm very good at saying, "It's not soooo bad" and dismissing it. 

But the first step to overcoming is admitting there is a problem.

So here it is. I'm admitting it. Just me being honest with you and hoping I won't make cinnamon toast that I'm so desperately craving right now ~ especially feeling vulnerable sitting here in front of you admitting my problem.

Food has always been a constant for me. It's been there for me. I know that sounds so silly to say, but I'm just writing what I know is true. Thinking about giving it up for entertainment, comfort and relaxation feels scary and quite honestly I'm grieving. It's like saying good bye to an old friend who wasn't really a friend but who is familiar-enough-you-want-to-keep-around kind of friend. And it's a death of sorts to say goodbye.

So for now, I'm watching, digging, writing and noticing when I struggle and why. I'm hoping I can uncover the reason or reasons that I'm so driven to use food to fill a deeper hunger. 

My plan is to take five minutes when I'm feeling "hungry" to evaluate if it's true hunger or if I'm wanting to eat for another reason. 

If it's true hunger, I'll fill my body with good foods. If it's emotional longing, then I'll fill myself with what I'm actually needing instead of food.

Stay tuned.

This topic will be continued . . . 

Do You Struggle to ASK?

Do you struggle to ask?

What I mean by that is, do you struggle to ask for what you need? What you want? For help? Or advice?

I do. I struggle big time. I'm working to improve this in my life but it's hard to reverse how we think about it.

According to Amanda Palmer in the book, The Art of Asking (photo above), asking can't be begging or manipulative. Asking has to feel like courtship ~ a give and take. An open-handed request and a willingness to hear the word "no". 

Asking takes guts and vulnerability. It's taking a chance that you could be rejected ~ which is why most of us would rather not ask. But the problem is that we forfeit good things in life, relationships, families, businesses, marriages, or personal growth when we refuse to ask.

While someone who is manipulative, desperate and controlling will feel burdensome when they ask for something; someone who comes with vulnerability, openness and respect for our answer does not. 

The risk of disappointment is the currency of asking. It's the price we pay to ASK. Answering is the open door of opportunity. It's a chance to give another human our time, our resources, our love. The transaction between the two is connection. 

I offer you the risk of asking and you give of yourself.

I think one of the reasons we're so smitten with marriage proposals is because it's one of the biggest ASKS there is. It's full vulnerability mode.

The problem with living a life of not asking, is that we steal from others the chance to help.

When my grandmother was in her last years, I helped my parents care for her. She was pretty silent in the end but she would sometimes speak up about a need. Maybe she was cold or hungry or needed to go to the bathroom. Her request gave me the opportunity to help her. Had I not known what she needed, I couldn't have helped her.

As human beings, we long to have a meaningful life; to be helpful; to make an impact. We want to give. We're wary of being taken advantage of, but we love giving when there is true need. How many non-profit organizations changing the world today would be able to do that if they didn't ask for help? None of them. How many businesses would've started up if they hadn't asked for help in the beginning? None.

We walk around feeling as though we'll be a burden if we ask; or that we'll look needy or desperate. We have preconceived notions that to be successful means never needing anything or anyone. 

If that's true, then we must have no need for connection. Because connection is give and take, an ask and receive. We all know instinctively that we need connection. So if we need connection, then asking is part of that. It's setting down our fears and asking for help. It's helping when we see someone in need. It's sharing our struggles and recognizing we all need each other.

We've become so independent that we've stopped being communal.

I think lack of community is a big part of why there is so much anxiety, depression and loneliness in the world today. We need each other. But we're not going to change this anti-asking culture until we learn to ASK. And the only way an environment of asking will grow is if we're honest in our replies. We MUST be honest with our replies. We must be as truthful with "no" as we are with "yes". If I can't trust you to be honest, then I'll fear asking anything of you.

We can't change this mindset overnight, but we can pursue a life of asking for what we need; and being truthful in our replies to others.

What do you find most difficult to ask for?