October 12, 2018

Cruising vs Stop-Start

It was raining as my son and I were traveling home. Traffic was thick and I kept slamming on the breaks to keep from ramming into the car cutting in front of me. It was slow going and yet, I kept lashing us with stopping and starting. 

I told my son I wish I knew how to transition better but I've always struggled to drive smoothly in this kind of traffic.

"Just cruise," he said.

"Am I doing it?" I asked.

He broke into a smile, "No."

I slowed down and moved my foot off the brake. I stopped trying to keep cars from cutting into my lane. I could feel myself relax. I often try to control the traffic around me, making everything fair - according to my supposed rules. I let one person in, but no more than two. I try to stay close to the car in front of me without letting another car in. This control was causing the neck cracking stop-start action.

As I slowed down and stopped worrying about the traffic and more about cruising, I could feel my stress fade.

"That's it," he said. 

My desire to control doesn't stop with traffic and I have plenty of rules for everyone and everything around me. The stop and start of trying to make the world behave is mind-breaking. I need to let go. Leave the world to do as they will andjust cruise.

Cruising is more fun anyways.

October 10, 2018


Barring no unforeseen circumstance, I'm at the halftime of my life.

It's exciting. I'm contemplating what game plays I'm going to continue running and what plays I need to change. I think sometimes I'm too optimistic, I get these ideas of how long I'll live, how healthy I'll be and how much I will accomplish. I'm a dreamer and sometimes I wonder if that's a detriment, but I choose to believe it's a strength.

If we can't imagine a better future, then what good is our imagination?

I choose to look ahead with excitement and plans. I know it all could get derailed by life, but apart from that, I'm more committed than I've ever been to just keep plowing through. Maybe I'll lose, maybe I'll look foolish, or maybe it won't work; but I want to have no regrets. I want to know I did everything I could to make my imagined future happen. I imagine so many great things I want to do. But I also imagine who I want to be.

I want to "grow up" to be:
Incredibly understanding of others.
A vulnerable storyteller.
Unrattled by drama.
Responsible for my own emotional life.
Advocate passionately.
As healthy as possible.
Unmoved by other's opinions of me.
A fighter for the underdog.
Constantly evolving.
Strong and determined.
Gentle and kind.
Stubborn and unwilling to quit.

I'm working hard to be aware of all the patterns, thoughts and actions I have that aren't serving me anymore. Recognizing the time clock has lit a fire under me and I hope the next half of life is even better than the first!

October 5, 2018

Mind Cleaning with a Life Coach

It's fall cleaning in my brain. I've been taking stock of all my thoughts and deciding which ones to keep and which ones to toss. Like cleaning out my closet, reducing items for a minimalist wardrobe; I'm reducing my thoughts to a minimal group. It'll give me some space to focus and help me pour my energy on the thoughts I want to keep.

I have a Life Coach helping me. I've toyed with the idea of trying a life coach for awhile, but the cost always held me back. I found a program training coaches who offered free sessions in exchange for practice. I immediately signed up! I was nervous the first session but it was so good.

I have an amazing coach that's honest, firm and incredibly kind in her guidance. We explore my thoughts and take them apart to discover long-held beliefs. I've never struggled with sharing my feelings so this comes pretty naturally. I am learning so much about how to sit with my emotions and work through my thoughts. I feel like it's breaking apart so many unhealthy beliefs that I've held onto for too long.

Looking forward to where this mind cleaning will take me!

October 4, 2018

Refusing Self-Pity

I didn't realize how much self-pity I had until I started taking notice. Then it kind of got ridiculous. I felt sorry for myself if someone spoke too harsh. I felt sorry for myself if they didn't speak to me. I felt sorry for myself when I failed a goal, and the same if I succeeded.

It was basically a non-stop ride of self-pity. And once I started being aware of it, I was overwhelmed. And honestly, started to feel sorry for myself because I couldn't get away from it! (AGAIN with the self pity!!)

But what could I do? I thought about it and wondered, what if . . .

I decided to live without self-pity.

The very thought felt impossible to me. But I wanted to give it a try. Now when I start feeling self-pity, I remind myself that self-pity is not an option anymore.

I'm not gonna lie, it is HARD! For so long I found comfort in feeling sorry for myself. There's a small relief that comes from it, because feeling sorry for yourself doesn't require anything from you. It's simply wallowing in how bad life is. It takes all the responsibility off of you and puts it onto the world.

The downside of giving all the responsibility to something outside yourself is that it takes away all your power. Allowing myself to play the victim set me at the mercy of everything and everyone. I didn't like that; I wanted it to stop.

Refusing to feel sorry for yourself, rejecting self-pity, gives all the responsibility and the power back to you. I don't have to stay stuck in a sinking muck of poor me's anymore. No time for it! If there is no room for self pity then

I can move forward!

It releases me! I can move beyond the moment of wallowing and into the promising future. I can stay present and enjoy this moment, instead of staying frozen in the past. Breaking away from self-pity allows me to grab life by the horns and ride.

October 3, 2018

Intuitive Eating

I've been reading the book, Intuitive Eating, and it's fascinating. The advice is seemingly simple, you eat only when you're hungry (a 6 or 7 on their hunger scale) and stop when you're satisfied (at a 4).

They encourage stepping away from the dieting mindset and allow yourself to eat anything within the pocket of hunger. You only eat when you're hungry but with the knowledge you won't deny yourself when you're hungry again. This is to break away from the dieting mindset and let yourself be assured you won't deny yourself any food. They say to fully embrace it and allow yourself to be assured and after awhile you will crave healthier foods.

They explain that eating past hunger diminishes the taste of the food anyway, so why not savor it while you're hungry and then wait until you're hungry again to eat more? Your stomach can't taste it.

I'm thinking of trying this. I do worry about gaining weight on the front end but I like the idea of allowing your body to direct you to what it needs by intuitive cravings.

Since the book is written by an award-winning registered dietitian and a nutritional therapist, both specializing in eating disorders; it gives me more confidence in their advice and confidence to try it.