Through some talks with people I love, I found out how my unorganized life had wounded them. Wounded? I hated the thought of that. The very people I care about and want to feel my love had been wounded by me. I'm not naive enough to think we don't all wound each other at times, but with this scenario I'd convinced myself that THIS particular way of relating didn't have consequences. They just understood. But they didn't.
I felt uncomfortable and ashamed. I searched deeper at why I do these things. I found among my answers the fear of expectation. As in, if I start being good at stuff--organized, then people will expect things from me. Why do I fear expectation? I don't want to fail. Why can't I fail? Because they won't love me. What?? I was jolted by my own line of thinking. And the weird thing is I've noticed this line of thinking before. It's so odd because I DO have people who love me, but somewhere along my childhood path I started believing I had to earn it. But in my attempt to keep from having expectations, I ended up doing the very thing I was trying to avoid, hurting the ones I love.
It's embarrassing to write this because I don't like this side of me. But I think it's important to share honestly and putting it down in a post helps me gain perspective. I wrote a list of all the things being unorganized has cost me to help me understand and change. It's cost me: time, money, sanity, happiness, dreams, relationships-- I wrote many things under each category. After reading the list, I felt silenced inside. It hurt. It still hurts.
I don't want to be this way anymore but I know from experience, you can't completely change overnight. So I've decided to start with a couple of things to move to a more organized me. 1. Make a list everyday of what I want/need to get done. 2. Check my calendar every morning and every night so I will know what's supposed to happen (appts and dates). I know that seems simple but I don't do these regularly enough and I think they'll be a good start.
I hope in a few months there will be changes I can tell you about. If you have any simple tips to help in my journey, I'd love to hear them.
