July 27, 2011

Good at Hiding

On the day I was born, no one knew I was in the womb. I've always been good at hiding.

My twin sister's heartbeat and my own were in such sync, I wasn't expected.  There were no ultrasounds and Mom wasn't awake for the ordeal.  I've been told when she came to and found herself responsible for TWO babies, she cried.  My grandmother screamed for joy.  My father received word over radio in Vietnam and had to ask twice if the man said "daughters" plural.

I can't really blame being hidden in the womb for how the next decades played out, but it does seem conspicuous.  If I sense disappointing someone--I run for cover.  I play dumb or do my best to keep the uncomfortable subject from surfacing. Hiding is a destructive relationship killer.

Truth is always better.  Though not always fun.

I've hidden in the worst ways--lies, false pretense, blame, self-contempt. And although playing a game of Hide-and-Seek can be thrilling; life plays that game differently.  So I'm trying to come clean: attempting not to run when faced with a scary situation; admitting the lie before it festers; sharing truth before pretense gets center stage; and refusing to blame or engage in self-contempt.

It's terrifying.  Like when your stomach lurches because you know IT is close enough to find you.  After awhile you start longing to be found so you can crawl out of your cramped hiding spot.  When IT eventually finds you there's a sense of relief; you're free to laugh and help search for others.

I hope I won't always be good at hiding. I think I'd like to be IT.


  1. Wow Catherine you are definitely not hiding in this post. It's open, honest, revealing and brave. Sometimes we have to face the pain, and learn to stop hiding to avoid those things we don't want to look at. Perhaps you need to sit quietly in the open and let IT find you, to be open to whatever IT is that presents itself to you and to find the courage to sit with it.

  2. Great birth story. Imagine, your mom's reaction! One of my guys was directly underneath the other one, but earlier ultrasounds had revealed his presence. Eventually, you are brought into the light to shine.

  3. now that you want to be IT, be ready for the ups and downs of a fickle public! we love ya, but you cant pls em all. good for you steppin up!

  4. Wow. This post is beautiful. I can relate so much, Catherine, I'm at a loss for words.

    *sending her love*

  5. What a neat birth story you have!!

    I think hiding not only is a relationship killer, but it kills something inside of us too. Please, hide no longer!

  6. Catherine, this is amazing. I'm proud of you. I'm somewhat of a hider myself and it's no way to live.

    The best part, is that you have outlets where you can definitely be free...painting,blogging and writing. Let that energy spill out into your real life! Rooting for you! :)


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