June 14, 2017

There's Comfort in Uncertainty


Feeling certain has it's perks. It's safe. It's familiar. You know what you're getting. I'm the type of person that dives head first into certainty and often has to back up. It just feels so good to be certain of something.

The problem is, in reality there is very little certainty.

I found this out through an unusual path. It wasn't a death or tragedy that disrupted my belief in certainty. It was through books; through my love of learning and reading that I began to uncover the awful truth that:

Certainty is rare.

Deeply held beliefs of mine were suddenly called into question. I began to examine them from an outsider's view and they no longer made any sense. I'll be honest, I was crushed. I cried every night for months. Sometimes tears would appear in the middle of the day and surprise me.

I began to wonder if I would ever feel safe again. Would I be able to live in a world where things are so unsettled? So uncertain?

I realize this shows how unconnected I was with the world around me. There are many people who have no choice but to see through the lens of terrible uncertainty. Admitting my surprise of it only demonstrates how privileged a life I've lived. Frankly, it's embarrassing how long it took me to see it.

But I'm awake now.

And slowly, I've learned to find a weird kind of comfort in uncertainty. There is a beauty in not knowing something. It gives room for wonder and mystery. In the past, I only enjoyed mystery when the answers would be forthcoming. But now, I'm learning to embrace mystery as it is, no limits or ending.

Uncertainty has brought me to a place of listening better. Being uncertain of my stance, I find myself learning from others and their opinions. I'm no longer the one with the answers. I am a student of new ideas and different perspectives.

I'll admit, I still look back longingly at the days of certainty and wish for that world. But I'm learning to accept this one and find comfort in the beauty of uncertainty.



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