I don't like looking foolish.I go to great lengths to avoid it. But unfortunately I was gifted with a large dose of naivety and gullibility which often works against my anti-foolish campaign.
Friendly foolish is different than failure foolish. When I fail at something big (like relating badly, costing someone lots of time or money), I feel especially vulnerable. My instinct is to try to hide it or better yet, blame someone else.
In those moments I'm caught at a crossroads, I must attempt to lie my way out or put down my armor and get real honest.
I wish I could say I always chose the latter; I don't. I find myself wanting to take the easier way out. But I've been practicing vulnerability (as Brene Brown says) and learning how to de-activate the walls that spring up in the moment of naked truth.
When I feel that surge of panic, the "I'm going to die if someone sees the real me" feeling, I stop. Then take a breath and ask myself what's going on.
Most often the root of my terror is based in old lies.The lies of "I'm not good enough" "No one will love me" or "I will never be understood or listened to". All of those lies get bigger when I believe them. But when I'm able to address it and trace it back to one of these wrong beliefs, I can start telling the truth. I am good enough. I am loved. I am understood and listened to.
But I still have to face consequences of disappointing the people I've failed.
But to believe that I will never be good enough or loved, or understood or listened to is a big jump from disappointing someone.
So I am practicing vulnerability.It has been excruciatingly hard, but I'm learning the more I do it, the less hard it is to do. I'm finding that being vulnerable when I fail helps to heal those relationships better than blame or denial. The truth is, they could see my bologna a mile away; I was fooling myself to think otherwise.
Vulnerability is beautiful because it offers an open hand of relationship to someone, allowing them to take it, and honestly...it's totally worth the risk.
What do you think, is vulnerability worth it?