My Simple Advice on Talking to Teens

As soon as a child is handed over to your care, you quickly learn how much you've yet to learn. I've crashed and burned so many times on this parenting path; but each lesson has been worth the bumps. Today, in honor of my eldest daughter's birthday, I thought I'd share some tips I've learned about talking with your teen. If you're parenting, aunting/uncling, mentoring or teaching children on the brink of teen-hood, I hope this'll give you a helpful start.

Don't talk, listen.
When my firstborn hit puberty, I wasn't listening very much. I wrongly assumed she didn't want to talk since she holed up in her room most of the time listening to music. But a wise friend pointed out that I should try being around, and that's when it all switched. I sat on my daughter's bed and just hung out. At first it was awkward and uncomfortable for us. She asked if I needed something. I told her I just wanted to spend time with her. Then I got quiet. *crickets* After a bit of silence, she began to chat about her music. Soon we were lounging on the bed side by side as she shared an earbud with me chatting about why she liked certain songs. That day I discovered it wasn't that she didn't want to talk; it was that I hadn't been listening. Don't assume your child doesn't want you around even if they're giving off that vibe.

Own your wrongs.
Teens are different than children, their growing cognitive ability makes it easy to see our faults and failings. When my teens started questioning me or reacting to a way I was acting, my first instinct was to blame them. I saw their actions as disrespectful or disobedient. But soon I realized they were simply more aware that I wasn't perfect. When I spoke with impatience or anger, they knew it wasn't right and their defenses went up. Once I started owning my wrongs and asking forgiveness immediately, I found their trust in me begin to rise. They were able to be honest about how I hurt them so we could repair the relationship. Being a parent is humbling in this way, it mirrors back your struggles. But owning our wrongs is the best way to demonstrate how to live an honest life.

Get interested in their interests.
This is a tough one. My girls like music I don't always like. Being interested in that is difficult. But I've found that usually there is something I can appreciate about what they love, even if it's just appreciating why they are passionate about it. My son became much more talkative when I began to sit with him among his Lego creations. People want to be known and loved for who they are, children are no different. This is one way to love them sacrificially and care about what they care about. I've been astounded at what this one step has taught me about my kid's hearts.

Let them teach you.
I know this sounds backwards, we're supposed to be the teachers, right? But there's so much your child may know that you don't. I've found when I allow my children to teach me something I may not know (often computer related) I also learn something about them. I've found them to be patient teachers (most of the time) and it shows that I value their opinion if I'm willing to listen to their lessons. It seems easier for them to listen to me when I've been a good student.

Be honest.
There were some things I wasn't allowing my kids to do that seemed confusing to them. I finally sat them down and shared honest stories from my past and why those particular activities were difficult for me to allow. Having the story behind the decision helped my reasons make sense; even if they didn't completely agree. I'm not necessarily an advocate of children knowing reasons behind every decision, but I think it's good to share as often as we can at this age.

What tips would you offer your parents if you could travel back to your teen years and advise them?