May 30, 2012


I watched a movie over the weekend called 50-50. It's about a young man who finds out he has cancer and his journey of accepting what his fate may be. The entire movie he refuses to let his estranged and overbearing mother help him. But there's a scene where he's getting ready to go into surgery which he may not survive and he cries out one word, "Mom." She rushes to him with a tight embrace. She tells him it will be fine. He finds courage in her words and is able to face the operating room.

The scene latched onto me; it was beautiful. Something inside said, I know this.

Part of what I know is my own struggle against being an overbearing mom. But I think it hit me mostly because of my sweet friend. It took me back to a moment in the hospital room when she told me they'd found cancer in her lungs. She was supposed to be in the clear having stopped treatment only three weeks before. I wanted to be like that mom and tell her everything would be fine, but I didn't have the courage. So I just stood beside the bed holding onto her and we wept.

The first anniversary of her death is coming soon. It was probably dumb watching that movie. Or maybe I knew I needed it. I cried myself to sleep.

I suppose grief is a surprise roller coaster running whenever it wants to. And in a way, I'm glad it's there to stop me in the middle of living to make me take a breath. The sorrow it brings helps me remember not take things for granted or assume people I love will always be here.


  1. lovely

    "The sorrow it brings helps me remember not take things for granted or assume people I love will always be here."

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, Catherine, but I applaud you for having the courage to share openly about it. Expressing our anguish, even though it will never fully leave us, is one of the best ways to cope.

  3. I saw that movie resently as well...I thought it was beautiful

    I love this line you wrote
    "glad it's there to stop me in the middle of living to make me take a breath. "
    I think that is so true
    grief and loss are hard
    but they are also here to teach us something...what that is, is up to us
    but I like the way you look at it...I feel the same
    a moment to remember was is, because of what it is the balance of life

    I too think it is great that you can come here and be open with it
    grief is not embraced enough in our culture which is not helpful...

    thinking of you as you walk through this first anniversary
    give yourself grace, love and understanding
    walk lightly Catherine
    walk lightly

    love and light

    1. That was like rain on my soul. Thank you.

    2. I really should proof read my comments!!!
      it should have read
      a moment to remember what is, because of what is not.....

      holding on
      thinking of you

      love and light

  4. I know what you mean. Ten years after his death, I still get hit by pangs of grief about my grandfather. And usually it would be something pretty much unrelated that triggers it.

    Thinking of you.

  5. This movie made me bawl like a little baby and I loved every minute of it. It was such a beautiful story, so powerful. And your last paragraph is spot on. Loss, sorrow, tears, all of that uncomfortable, horrible stuff enables us to live more completely.(Also... *hugs*)

    1. I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one. Thanks for the hugs.

  6. Thank you for that last paragraph... so true...grief is a roller coaster. I love how you describe grief slowing us down to take a breath in the middle of living. Beautiful. Grief has to be embraced. It is the only way through.

  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Glad you watched the movie, let yourself grieve, and remembered what is important.

  8. you watch some really good sounding movies
    might have to watch out for this movie myself

    hugs re your friend

    1. Well, movies are hit and miss with me. I feel like I watch as many "bleh" movies as I do "wow" ones. Thanks for the hugs. :)

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