March 20, 2011

Free



I stood with my cheeks flushed.  She'd done it again; shrinky-dinked me into a lesser version of myself and I'd let her do it.  I hated myself for that and wondered what it'd be like to be free.

"So?" she asked, eyebrows perched in judgment.

I nodded my grown head like a little girl.  And I seethed.  The deepest part of me roiled and screamed.  I wanted to belt an Evanescence song at her.  But I did nothing.

That night I stared sleeplessly at the popcorn ceiling.  Weeks after, I still cringed at the thought of that moment and the mounds of moments collected through my life, all of them muddled into one scathing pile. Something had to change.  I shivered as a terrifying thought hit--it had to be me.

It started slow: a refusal to nod, an absence of agreement, a "no".  At first like pushing a boulder uphill but soon like chasing it down a slope.

I still wonder what freedom could feel like. But I'm beginning to understand little trinkets of it.  I don't cringe at insults; their lies aren't my truth.  I don't cower from displeasing; I speak from the heart.  I stand when I used to run.  I fight when I used to wilt.

These changes have come softly, painfully and beautifully with time.  The patches are off my eyes.  I'm becoming free.

15 comments :

  1. You had me at shrinky-dinks,

    Well done.

    shelley

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  2. As always - Well Done Catherine.
    Change is always challenging.

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  3. Congrats! Step by step, it is all progress and moving forward. I love the way you express yourself!

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  4. Why does wisdom appear so late after the event when a response, quip and even a brave face were so slow in materializing. A great piece of introspection to enables you to break free and be the me that you want to be.

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  5. Beautifully told, I love the line about their lies not being my truth. What a journey :)

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  6. It is hard to be a grown up isn't it, as is the journey to that state.

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  7. There are so many wonderful lines in here..my favourite is 'trinkets of freedom'..reminded me of earning charms on a charm bracelet..courage..conviction..knowledge..acquiring the many colours of age..Jae

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  8. This is beautiful. Amazing imagery!

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  9. good 4 u.
    enjoy it.
    best wishes.

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  10. Freedom is beautiful, in so many ways. It's a good place to be.

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  11. Eyebrows PERCHED! PERCHED! I LOVE that!!!

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  12. Catherine, thanks for your honesty and for your wisdom. There are those freezing moments, as children we were not allowed to say "no" or to voice our truths.
    I understand this journey and how hard it is to free yourself of the expectations of others and listen to your own truths, the intuition that whispers ever so softly.

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  13. Ha! Go for it! I love it when characters begin to assert themselves against a bully.

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  14. Oh lordy Catherine! How I love your Sunday Sribblings! (Especially on a Wednesday.)
    "I stand when I used to run. I fight when I used to wilt." Love it love it love it. I'm going to go read this one again now...

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  15. 2nd last paragraph says so much, great stuff.

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