This weekend shook me in the way a small rock hits the windshield and shatters the entire pane of glass. We saw a movie, Blue Like Jazz. It's the story of a man's search for God. At the end I cried--wept, really. It wasn't a tragedy. It wasn't even a sad ending. My husband asked me later why I cried.
All I could think to say was that the main character said what I've been unable to say myself.
I grew up in Christian sub-culture, and, in the beginning, I tried to live up to the their status. But the more I tried, the more obvious it was that I couldn't. Failure to be perfect is a guarantee. My mask crumbled.
I grew up in Christian sub-culture, and, in the beginning, I tried to live up to the their status. But the more I tried, the more obvious it was that I couldn't. Failure to be perfect is a guarantee. My mask crumbled.
I stopped talking about God because I didn't know what I thought of Him. I didn't want to be falsely trying to explain what I couldn't explain. I believed He existed although I couldn't say why. I was afraid to talk about my beliefs because I'm not an intellect. But my thoughts on what I read in Scripture did not match up to what I was hearing. How could I come to a place of belief without going against what seemed right?
I'm not a good arguer--most people can "win" an argument with me; I'm not quick with words on my feet. Give me a pen however, and you might have some competition. But in an argument about God, I won't win.
I'm not a good arguer--most people can "win" an argument with me; I'm not quick with words on my feet. Give me a pen however, and you might have some competition. But in an argument about God, I won't win.
I know there are people who argue for and against Him that could probably both convince me. But all I know is what I've felt, and I've felt Him.
If you ask me theological questions, I won't venture to answer them. I recently played Bible trivia and found I have a huge amount of knowledge about the Bible, but I doubt I've ingested a spoonful of it. I'm wowed by how beautiful, horrible and soul-cracking the stories in Scripture are. They're not fluffy happily-ever-after ones. They're more like Grimm's Fairy Tales.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I've always looked at this blog as a place where I sit across from a friend over coffee, telling about things I'm working on, things I love, or have learned. I want you to know I've struggled with this. I'm still working out what believing in God looks like. I'll probably share my journey with you from time to time, and I hope that's okay.
